When I consider how many shameful things I did while I was abusing alcohol, it's sometimes hard to sleep at night. But I take some solace in the fact that although I am responsible for all that I did, it's as if I wasn't even a fully conscious participant in my own life at that time. I was there, but the booze was definitely leading the way, and I followed meekly behind, never consciously questioning those actions that always left me able to drink as much as I needed to.

I'm not a scientist, but I have to say that my personal experiences seem to correlate with research which indicates that there can be a cognitive perceptual shift during addiction, and this shift allows the addict to do many things that most of us would consider crazy.

Looking back at my period of heavy drinking, I can see now how many of the things that I did were not appropriate, and were often even harmful, but at the time they all seemed like quite logical and normal things to do.

I remember inviting some friends over for my daughter's fourth birthday party and consuming with 2 others 3 cases of beer during and after the party. I feel ashamed when I think about it, but at the time this seemed like a normal thing to do.

I remember driving drunk…often, but I would only drive during about the first 8 or 9 beers, because I didn’t think I was actually intoxicated yet!

I often said I had a sales meeting, and ended up meeting my friend the local bartender instead. I can't believe I never got fired, and I can see now how transparent my excuses must have been.

I stole a bottle of whiskey from my sister's liquor cabinet as I was heading out the door after a visit. I don't even know why I did it, but I didn't think too hard about it either. I'm sure it didn't take them too long to figure out where the whiskey had gone!

I could go on with an endless list of shame, but the point I'm trying to make is that none of these behaviors even seemed unusual or wrong to me while I was drinking. I can’t really explain it, but it's like I sort of turned down that little voice in my head that would otherwise have let me know how stupid, irresponsible and mean I was being. I wish I could explain myself better…but I think that anyone who has experience with a drug or alcohol dependency may understand what I'm talking about.

I don't offer this post to excuse myself for my actions, and neither do I want to absolve addicts from their own responsibilities, but I would like to try to explain a little bit of what happened to me, and what I think happens to a lot of us during a period of addiction.

We are in control, but we also aren’t quite thinking clearly. We're there but we aren’t. We are ultimately responsible for the pain we cause, but while using, we're not even completely aware why everyone seems so angry with us all the time.

It's not an excuse for my past behaviors, but it is a partial explanation.