Beer companies, all heart, sometimes they care too much.

They worry about us, want us all to drive safe, talk to our kids on the dangers of drink and, gosh darn it, to know when to say when. I'm tired of it. Enough already…the shareholders deserve better!

• What kind of business retard tries to stop underage drinking? Those kids are great customers. Underage drinkers forked out an estimated 5 billion last year! We need strong CEO's with vision; marketing execs with the balls to come out and target kids explicitly. Get some furry mascots as brand symbols, talking bears or something - that would probably work…
• "Know when to say when" – how's that gonna' make any money? The hardest drinking 10% chug down almost half of all the beer you can make (43%) - you've got to get those guys drinking more, or at least get more people drinking like them! Maybe run a few ads with good looking babes drinking beer and playing volleyball or something.
• Think when you drink - There's another profit stinker for you right there. 60% of all beer sold is drunk in binge quantities, hmm - if only we could keep people awake long enough to drink more in a session…HEY, I KNOW – WE COULD PUT CAFFEINE IN THE BEER!!!! Market it like an energy drink or something and kids would love it too!

Enough

For every one ad counseling responsible drinking, there are well over 200 promoting drinking. For every $1 spent on public health ads, $99 are spent on talking bears drinking Bud. Beer companies need young drinkers, they'd die without them. Profits rest almost entirely in the underage, and heavy to alcoholic use consumer – that's the meat and potatoes of the market, and that's who they want.

Beer companies just don’t make money by convincing people to drink less beer. We know it and it's our job to stop them, or at least limit the harms they do; and by allowing them the odd public service ad slot, we allow a platform from which they shellac themselves with respectability. So let's get rid of these ads, they don’t work anyway; studies have shown that consumers don't find them effective or influential, and they may well do more harm than good.